Stifle

Stifle is a word that came to my mind as my head was still on my pillow the other day.

Stifle - unable to breathe properly; to interrupt or to cut off; to keep in or hold back; repress.

I can feel something pooling in my chest, and I work to not let it rise any further. I distract myself with another thought.  I busy myself by getting up and doing something - anything - making a cup of coffee, folding laundry, rearranging stacks of paper.  It's as if I cannot be present in the same space with whatever it is that suddenly wants to be known.

At least now I'm aware that it's there, though I haven't gotten to where I welcome its presence just yet.  I have not yet allowed myself to open the door. What does come out comes out in trickles or leaks through cracks in the facade of the wall that I realize I have built.  I am not yet ready for the flood.  I think I fear I might drown.